By Caroline West-meads For You Magazine Published: 06:45 EDT, 25 October 2024 | Updated: 12:23 EDT, 25 October 2024

Q My husband is blaming our failing marriage on the fact that we never have sex. However, he fails to see that I don’t want sex because he is so selfish in bed. I was young and inexperienced when we married and I never enjoyed our lovemaking, though I did like being close to my husband. As I have got older (I’m in my early 40s) and more confident, I realise my husband has only ever been interested in his own pleasure. He just expects me to enjoy sex because it is what he wants. Around others, he is lively and fun, but at home he has no interest in doing anything together. We are drifting further apart and lead increasingly separate lives. He point blank refuses counselling.A Forgive my bluntness but I want you to hear this clearly: your husband is a bad lover and is blaming it on you. Does that help put this in perspective? A good lover (male or female) is someone who ‘makes love’ with the emphasis on the love part – ensuring that their partner has as much pleasure as they do themselves, not just physically but emotionally, too. You don’t say when this started but I would guess that, sadly, your marriage has been bad for a long time. Difficult as this may be, I think you might be happier on your own or (later) in a different relationship as, unfortunately, I think he has already ‘left’ the marriage. From what you say, it sounds as if he is too cowardly to admit it is over. Instead, he is sabotaging the marriage, perhaps subconsciously, so that you will end it for him. As he refuses to go to counselling, please go alone so you have support for the next steps.My grief is making our lives difficultQ My husband is a good and kind man who has put up with a lot from me over the years. I am on the autism spectrum and, while I’m many positive things and mostly a good mum to our teenage kids, I know I can also be bad-tempered and cold. I had a difficult childhood as my parents didn’t know how to deal with me. I’d have meltdowns and my dad shouted while my mum cowered. I was also badly bullied for being clever, which didn’t go down well at a rough school. Recently I’ve been more difficult than usual. My mother died a year ago and since then I’ve been depressed. I can hold it together for the kids, but in other ways I’ve not been coping. At 49, I had become close again to my mother over the past years.I realised what a hard time she had bringing up me and my two siblings. My eldest brother is on the spectrum, too. I have been crying a lot when the children aren’t around and am unable to enjoy my hobbies. I know I’ve been taking it out on my husband – snapping at him or not giving him proper attention. I realise it’s grief, but he is getting frustrated and I feel I’m pushing him away. How can I stop acting like this? A You’ve had many challenges to face in life – and grief for your mother has clearly hit you hard. The death of a parent is such a fundamental loss. As the cornerstones of our world, they are the basis for our sense of security and your mother’s death is likely to have brought back lots of difficult memories. Losing someone so important, but with whom you’ve had a troubled relationship, can also be hard because it makes you aware of what you have missed out on. Firstly, it is lovely that you have found compassion for your mother in understanding that things weren’t easy for her either – and this will help in the long run. You need to extend this compassion to yourself. You might be creating your own pressure to do too much or feel that you should have ‘got over’ her death by now. However, grief is complex and often takes a long time to become less painful. Reach out to bereavement groups such as Cruse (cruse.org.uk) or Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) for support. Putting on a brave face for the children may have left you tired, so take time to rest, exercise and process your grief. As for your relationship with your husband, it is good that you recognise your own challenging behaviour; this will make it easier to change. When you act badly, apologise and remind yourself to treat him like the best friend he is. Try to set aside time for each other at the weekend, making a conscious effort to do things you enjoy. Couples counselling (relate.org.uk) is a good idea to help you both work through these difficulties.

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DEAR CAROLINE: My husband says our marriage is failing because I don’t want to have sex with him. But the reason isn’t what he thinks…