Cast Away (Channel 5) Rating:By far the most entertainment to be had from last night’s episode of Cast Away (C5) was imagining the meeting which persuaded Phillip Schofield that it was a good idea to take part.’This could really put you back in the public eye, Phillip love,’ they might have said. ‘Because what people really want to watch these days is a big celebrity feeling sorry for themselves for an hour’.Only an hour? It felt a lot longer. This could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew smiled across at Emily Maitlis and said: ‘That went well, didn’t it?’The idea is that Phillip would spend ten days alone on a tropical island off Madagascar. This is somebody, let’s not forget, who – as one of The Talent – had people at work to cater for his every whim. Could he cope? By far the most entertainment to be had from last night’s episode of Cast Away (C5) was imagining the meeting which persuaded Phillip Schofield that it was a good idea to take part Only an hour? It felt a lot longer. This could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew smiled across at Emily Maitlis and said: ‘That went well, didn’t it?”I think there are an awful lot of people hoping that I never come back,’ he said. That just crossed the line from self-deprecation to self-pity, which is never an attractive look.Still, he was determined that the island wouldn’t beat him, no matter what. ‘I don’t quit,’ he said. ‘I’m fired, but I don’t quit’.Perhaps he remembered that line from Peter ‘I’m a fighter not a quitter’ Mandelson.No matter how much Phillip tried to put on a brave face and charm us, the bitterness kept poking through. ‘B***** off,’ he said at one point, ‘and let me get on with the quiet life you’ve given me’, he says as he discusses the public attention he has received since quitting ITV last May.That quiet island life started well enough. When the boat which dumped him on the beach faded into the distance, you could see the suddenly realisation that he was now completely alone with only a torch, spoon, saw, machete and fishing rod for support.Oh, and some lip balm. Apparently Phil is a martyr to chapped lips.As anybody knows, the first thing you do when you’re stranded on a desert island is build a fire. ‘I’m really good with fire,’ he said, and this time he wasn’t kidding.He built a camp, following instructions from a survival expert, and then set off looking for something to eat. On the island, that’s either coconuts or mangos. The idea is that Phillip would spend ten days alone on a tropical island off Madagascar. This is somebody, let’s not forget, who – as one of The Talent – had people at work to cater for his every whim. Could he cope? ‘I think there are an awful lot of people hoping that I never come back,’ he said. That just crossed the line from self-deprecation to self-pity, which is never an attractive lookThere are other options of course, but fruit doesn’t move when you’re hunting it – and certainly doesn’t fight back.A mango was his only meal on the first day, and it was almost inedible. To make matters worse, he was woken up in the night by a howling gale which was doing its best to blow down his tent.He had better luck on day two. He not only breakfasted on a coconut, but found a source of fresh water, which he gratefully scooped up in his safari hat.He also went fishing, which went very badly but it brought back memories of fishing with his father (although young Phillip doesn’t seem to have learned very much).The best bits showed Phillip at home with his wife Stephanie and two daughters, who have been very supportive. When he was feeling suicidal, he said, it was his family who talked him out of it.The first episode (there are three in all) ended with another hunt for food. With the fish wisely keeping their distance, he went looking for crabs instead. No matter how much Phillip tried to put on a brave face and charm us, the bitterness kept poking through If he genuinely wanted to move on and show that the inner Phillip isn’t as resentful and self-centred as he sounded last night, he chose the wrong show It would be fair to say that Phil is not a natural predator. When he speared a crab with a machete, he apologised: ‘I am so sorry, mate.’ It was dinner, Phil, not Man Friday.By the time he caught his crab, it was dark and he was flailing around in the forest. ‘I don’t know where the hell I am’.And that’s Phil’s trouble: he doesn’t know where the hell he is. ‘I never wanted to be famous,’ he said, and with a straight face too. Yet here is, subjecting himself to the public gaze once more.If he genuinely wanted to move on and show that the inner Phillip isn’t as resentful and self-centred as he sounded last night, he chose the wrong show.What he needs is something where he can be tested, where he can win us over by showing some real grit and resilience, and where moaning will be firmly stamped on.Are they booking yet for next year’s Celebrity SAS?